Exclusive Interview with Wiaan Mulder: "I'm Not Here to Break Records. I'm Here to Confuse Future Cricket Historians."
A satirical piece on why Wiaan Mulder actually declared inexplicably on 367* as I try to make sense of one of cricket's most delightfully absurd moments.
BULAWAYO, ZIM—In a move that stunned fans, broke Twitter, baffled statisticians, and visibly aged every commentator in the box, South African makeshift captain & No. 3 Wiaan Mulder inexplicably declared the innings on 367* at Lunch on Day 2. He later explained that he “never liked the idea of being remembered,” and the only reason he scored so many runs in the first place was to “confuse generations of future cricket historians.”
Although Mulder publicly stated that he stopped short of the 400* record out of respect for the legendary Brian Lara, our exclusive interview revealed a far more complicated reality. '
The Declaration Heard Around the World
Announcement to the Reader:
“We like to ask the tough questions. The ones that have puzzled mankind for centuries:
Did aliens build the Pyramids? Are we alone in this vast Universe? What’s in the Bermuda Triangle?
And most importantly….Why did Wiaan Mulder Declare on 367*?
Today, we ask the man himself.”
BCD: “Spill it. Why did you really declare?”
Mulder: “Not gonna say.”
BCD: “For nearly three hours after the declaration, we sat on the edge of our seats, waiting for an explanation. Social media was in meltdown mode. Was it a possible weather alert? Over-rate fines? A silent protest? Or did you just….get bored? What was it, Wiaan? We deserve the truth.”
Mulder: “You don’t wanna know.”
BCD: “Try me.”
Mulder: “It wasn’t a cricketing decision. It was a situational call.”
BCD: “Situational?”
Mulder: “Situation being….I may or may not have gotten a stomach bug…and let’s just say, I had to use the restroom for more than 30 minutes.”
BCD: “So…it wasn’t Lara?”
Mulder: “No, no. Of course it was Lara. I was watching the Wimbledon during lunch and caught a glimpse of him in the crowd. And it reminded me…the great Brian Lara still walks among us.”
BCD: “You were watching Wimbledon while you were in the toilet?”
Mulder: “That’s besides the point.”
BCD: “But why retire on 367?”
Mulder: “367 is a prime number. There was something beautiful, poetic about that.”
BCD: “So now are a math enthusiast too? Alright then, explain this: Why stop short of Lara’s 400, but not Hashim Amla’s 311*? You were on 307 before those back-to-back boundaries…and 307 is also prime.”
Mulder: “Yeah…I have been living with that mistake ever since lunch. Should’ve stopped at 307. Got carried away. Guess I had one too many beers this morning.”
BCD: “Alright then. But you were on 367!”
Mulder: “Some days you average 26.20. Other days, you score 367. Just the law of averages. Nothing more.”
BCD: “But 400 was right there. Why not go all the way or at least attempt to? Won’t you regret it? Records are meant to be broken. How will the sport progress otherwise?”
Mulder: “I knew I was close to a record. That’s when I knew it was time to walk away.”
He pauses. Takes a deep breath.
“Besides, breaking 400 would have skewed my Test average too much. I didn’t want to challenge Sobers, Lara, and Bradman on the same day.”
BCD: “You’re saying you declared for statistical balance?”
Mulder: “I am saying…I never liked the idea of being remembered. But I do like the idea of some poor cricket analyst 30 years from now looking at the scorecard and going, “Wait, what?”
And just as I was about to ask my next question, Mulder gazed into the distance, channeled his inner Juliet, and began to speak. Everything slowed down.
Mulder (continued):
“What’s in a number?
Everything in the world is temporary.
Records fade. Players retire. Names blur.
But confusion? Confusion sticks.”
BCD: “What does that even mean?”
Mulder: “Exactly.”
Before I could wrap up the interview and tie loose ends, Mulder stood up, dropped his mic, and vanished into the corridor in the most Mulder fashion. No explanation. He left behind an unfinished cup of tea, a stunned reporter, and a world still trying to make a sense of it all.
Sources say that Mulder plans to retire with 799 wickets, 99 hundreds, a Test average of 99.91, and a business startup with Brian Charles Lara called Legacy Records.
A Personal Reflection
In all seriousness, what a wonderful knock by Wiaan Mulder. Scoring a triple century with a 100+ strike rate and then coming out to bowl is out of this world!
What an achievement. You're a legend in my eyes, Wiaan.
I hope this is just the beginning of many more moments of glory to come.
And I hope South African cricket continues to rise like it has over the past few days with spirit, class, and belief.
This article was inspired by the writing style of The Onion.
Originally published on brokencricketdreams.com on 07/07/2025.